Stream of Consciousness (or scattered thoughts)

Lately my mind has been scattered, at best. My body isn’t far behind as it takes more and more effort to make it through each day. But, as I spend more and more time on the couch, I am faced with countless choices. Do I try to quiet the din of confusion with a book or movie? Do I try to sift through the past 12 months of my life and make some sense of it all? Do I even know where to begin in processing the fact that I received a cancer diagnosis at age 22? Do I talk this through with my Father? Do I look to the future with hope or fear? Do I focus on the good prognosis or the current physical discomfort? Do I pray for my team in Bundibugyo and others I know around the world?

I’m currently reading a book called “Everything Changes” that was written by a thyroid cancer survivor who was diagnosed at age 27. It’s a book about having cancer in your 20s and 30s and I’ve been fascinated by the stories of young adult cancer patients and how they coped with their diagnosis and treatment. One thing is clear to me: I can’t imagine facing this without my Rescuing Abba Father.

This whole cancer thing is a lot uglier than I formerly realized and I’m not even going through chemo or a series of radiation. Along with the physical discomfort, the emotional toll is high. And there are times when I allow myself to be frustrated, angry, and take a moment to say “This sucks!” and throw a pity party for one. But thankfully, those moments are usually pretty short-lived and God gives me the grace I need to continue on in His strength.

Having a brush with my own mortality in my early 20s has allowed me to find the blessings that I can only credit my loving God with. In these moments of darkness, I search for tiny pinpricks of light. And I’ve never been let down. So while I sit on the couch today, I’m choosing to focus on those pinpricks rather than the overpowering dark tunnel. I know this time in my life has changed me forever. And my prayer is that I won’t forget to focus on the glimmer of His light when all else seems dark.