Joy of Sending

With Sarah and Olvie, interns to Bundibugyo, before heading to the airport.

Sarah and Olvie with their 400 lbs of luggage, mostly filled with goodies for the team!

I spent last week in Philadelphia at the WHM Sending Center. I had been looking forward to this time for about 2 months and was not disappointed! Ever since I realized I would not be in Bundibugyo to serve as the intern coordinator (one of the parts of my job description I was most excited about), I decided I would plan everything around the intern orientation in Philly.

Having spent 3 summers overseas with 3 different organizations during college, being with interns is being in my element. Internships led to my decision to pursue a lifelong commitment to missions and it was so exciting to be a small part of these 13 interns' experiences. Who knows how God will use this summer in their life story!

I was blessed by many aspects of my week with them. It was remarkably therapeutic to be peppered with questions about Bundibugyo, rather than my health. Ranging from "What is the weirdest bug there?" to "What are the symptoms of sickle cell disease?" to "What are funny African English phrases they use?", I loved answering as best I could and being reminded of funny stories that had been temporarily forgotten. As I talked and laughed harder than I had in months, I was also reminded of my passion for Bundibugyo, its needs, and what God is doing there. It is humbling to be reminded yet again that He is working there in my absence. His kingdom is coming and it takes pressure off to remember that He can do it without me. It is an honor to be a small part of what He is doing as He redeems the whole of the groaning creation.

I also found unexpected joy in being a "sender". I loved being able to pray over several of the interns. What a privilege! I loved being able to share my own experiences and hear some of their stories too. I loved helping pack bags and I especially loved taking them to the airport. Literally every time I've gone to an airport, I've been the one flying somewhere. I had no idea how to park my car there. Ha! So it was not only something I needed to learn to do, but it was meaningful to wave good-bye to the Uganda interns as they entered security. (And I can't say I was terribly jealous of the 36 hours of travel ahead of them! I did, of course, wish I was with them to see the team and my Ugandan friends though.)

I left Philadelphia with renewed hope and eagerness for the future. Things I need as I go into surgery again this Thursday. God continues to bless me and whisper to me "I haven't abandoned you. I love you. I will take care of you. See how I am working around the world? I'm working in you too."

Privileged

Being back in the States for almost 3 months now has been hard in many ways. I often feel like I'm marking time, wishing I could be in Uganda with my team, and wondering what God's reasoning is in all of this. But, there is another side to it. I've had the privilege of witnessing many special moments with my family the last few months. And I no longer take time with nieces and nephews for granted; I love hearing each of their little variations on my name and receiving their sweet hugs.

I also got a new camera lens (since mine broke in an unfortunate Christmas light electrocution in Bundi--another story) and have enjoyed taking snaps of a few special things I was able to be here for!

The joy and awe of tractors and fire engines at the Dogwood Festival parade.

A was convinced the bubble show would be noisy; we promised the bubbles wouldn’t be loud when they popped but she kept her fingers in her ears the whole time.

M’s pre-school picnic complete with a train ride and his best friend!

M’s pre-school graduation—performing his “Turtle Song” all by himself. So grown up!

The graduate with Mom and Dad afterwards :)

N enjoying her first “swim” of the season in our pool.

A is a little fish!

And probably the greatest joy of all—meeting my nephews S and E. I’ll never forget that I was getting ready to fly back to the U.S. when I got a text message from my brother saying they had been born. They weren’t due for two more months and these are very prayed-over boys. They came home last weekend and getting to hold them was incredibly precious.

Meditation on Psalm 27

Paul David Tripp is one of my favorite authors--all of his books I've read are honest and real but also bring you back to the Gospel and the love and hope that is waiting with it. I've been reading his book "A Shelter in the Time of Storm: Meditations on God and Trouble" and it has been quite fitting the last several weeks. Tripp goes through Psalm 27 and includes short meditations on verses that serve as a springboard for reflection and time with the Father. A few days ago I came across this one and absolutely loved it. As I've been working through Sonship and recently did a lesson on repentance, this really rang true and was an encouragement. I've copied it below and I hope it is an encouragement to you too!

Psalm 27:9

"Turn not your servant away in anger."

It is such a comfort to me, such a source of hope and strength and daily joy. It gives me reason to get up in the morning and to press on even when I am discouraged and weak and lonely and afraid. It gives me reason to face with courage the struggles within and the difficulties without. It reminds me that I can stand before You as I am, completely unafraid and ask of You what I have asked before and will ask again: Your forgiveness and Your help. What gives me this courage? What offers me this hope? It is this one thing. I know for certain that there are two words that I'll never hear.

I know that you will never look me in the eye and say to me, "Go away!" You will not send me from your presence. You will not drive me from Your grace. You will not separate me from Your glory. You will not eliminate me from Your promises. You will never, ever, ever send me away. Because Your anger was borne by Another. Because my separation was carried by Him. Because He was sent away, I will never, I will never be.

So in weakness, failure, foolishness, and sin, I stand before you once more with courage, hope, comfort, and joy, because I know that in all the dark things that may be whispered to me in this dark and fallen world, there are two words I will never hear. And so with gratitude and joy I get up to face the day but as I do, I do it without fear.

Respite From the Wind Tunnel

Since making the decision to return to the U.S., I’ve had a lot of mixed feelings. Fear, guilt, failure, joy at seeing my family, sadness at seeing Ugandan parts of my speech leaving me, relief as I rested, torn between two worlds, and on the list goes.

As I realized my stay here would last longer than 4 weeks, I struggled more. Many times over the past month, I’ve pictured myself in a dark wind tunnel with God’s giant hand firmly but gently pushing my head back as I struggle, fight, and flail my arms in a useless fight against all of it. It being my physical health, my circumstances, my geographical location, my confusion and anger at God, my worn-down emotions, and grief over losing the carefully laid plans I had made—the plans God had helped me make but He has changed.

I’m still working through all of this, along with the new information that I need to have surgery to rule thyroid cancer in or out. I still have those wind tunnel moments when I struggle, fight, and try to understand. But I’m finding more moments of peace too. I’m sure there is a myriad of reasons behind this slow development to surrender, which I hope will move to praise.

I’m sure I won’t understand a lot of this until I’m with my Father in glory. But, in the meantime, I allow myself to grieve but I’m also finding joy in simple treats here. A few of the treats God has brought me in the last week or so:

• Waking to the rain pattering against my windowpane
• Whipping up fresh cream of asparagus soup on a whim with my mom
• Going to the (very cold and windy) beach; hearing the reassuring rhythm of waves breaking on the shore
• Buying and planting all the flowers in my parents’ flower garden; getting sweaty and seeing dirt on my toes reminded me of Uganda and watching something grow and flourish is therapeutic
• Discovering my love of banjo music as I listened to the Avett Brothers and Mumford & Sons while reading a good book in the sunshine
• Making an Indian feast for my parents—complete with homemade naan
• Eating smores by the fire pit in our backyard
• Being present for Easter, my nephew’s 2nd birthday, and Mother’s Day
• Wearing jeans everyday and not sweating : )

Encouragement

Streams in the Desert has been a source of steady encouragement to me since before I left for Uganda. Yesterday's reading was especially meaningful and I think it may bring hope to others too...

"Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today." Exodus 14:13

This verse contains God's command to me as a believer for those times when I am confronted with dire circumstances and extraordinary difficulties. What am I to do when I cannot retreat or go forward and my way is blocked to the right and to the left?

The Master's word to me is, "Stand firm." And the best thing I can do at these times is to listen only to my Master's word, for others will come to me with their suggestions and evil advice. Despair will come, whispering, "Give up--lie down and die." But even in the worst of times, God would have me be cheerful and courageous, rejoicing in His love and faithfulness.

Cowardice will come and say, "You must retreat to the world's ways of acting. It is too difficult for you to continue living the part of a Christian. Abandon your principles." Yet no matter how much Satan may pressure me to follow his course, I cannot, for I am a child of God. The Lord's divine decree has commanded me to go from "strength to strength" (Ps. 84:7). Therefore I will and neither death nor hell will turn me from my course. And if for a season He calls me to "stand firm", I will acknowledge it as a time to renew my strength for greater strides in the future.

Impatience will come, crying, "Get up and do something! To 'stand firm' and wait is sheer idleness." Why is it I think I must be doing something right now instead of looking to the Lord? He will not only do something--He will do everything.

Arrogance will come, boasting, "If the seas is blocking your way, march right into it and expect a miracle." Yet true faith never listens to arrogance, impatience, cowardice, or despair but only hears God saying, "Stand firm." And then it stands as immovable as a rock.

"Stand firm." I must maintain the posture of one who stands, ready for action, expecting further orders, and cheerfully and patiently awaiting the Director's voice. It will not be long until God will say to me, as distinctly as He told Moses to tell the children of Israel, "Move on." (Ex. 14:15).

Weekly Happenings

I have a plane ticket bought for 4 days from now. I was supposed to be flying back to Uganda then. Unfortunately, I am still sick and have only gotten confused looks from doctors. I am planning to see other specialists and am holding on to the hope that I will soon have answers and be feeling better. And most importantly, returning to Uganda soon. In the meantime, I am plodding along with my American life. Here’s a week in review:

Saturday: Two dear friends from college arrived and spent an encouraging 24 hours with me. We talked, ate, and talked some more. It was great to catch up with them, feel normal for a bit, and impress them with homemade scones and stories of my life in Uganda.

Sunday: Said good-bye to my friends and visited my parents’ fellowship group from church. It was wonderful to thank them for the support, prayers, and mail that they had sent my way in Bundibugyo. I shared some of the details of my work in Uganda and realized yet again that I light up the most when I’m talking about Bundibugyo. It is encouraging to be reminded of my own passion for a difficult place.

Monday: Had an appointment with a renowned endocrinologist. Was reassured by her taking an hour to listen to my health issues and her second opinion that yes, I do have Hashimotos. Was sad to hear that she also thinks it is not what is currently causing my symptoms. Went to the parking lot and cried—a cycle that is becoming a little too predictable for my own comfort (see doctor-run tests-have no answers-discouragement). Went to my sister’s house to lift my spirits and enjoyed listening to Micah sing his pre-school songs and making Easter cookies with Addie.

Tuesday: Booked an appointment with infectious disease specialist. Felt really low and wondered if I’m a little crazy—am I just imagining that I’m sick? Received encouragement and reassurance from my Mom. Mailed letters to new Christ School sponsors!

Wednesday: Went with my mom to baby-sit my nephew who is almost 2. Cracked up at his new “joke” when he speaks gibberish and makes robot movements. And made the horse puppet “eat” a carrot about 25 times just because he loved feeding it so much.

Thursday: Felt okay physically and enjoyed a walk around my neighborhood in the warm sunshine. The flat, paved sidewalks of Galena have a different kind of beauty than the rutted dirt roads of mountainous Bundibugyo. Began writing an orientation manual for interns and new missionaries to Bundibugyo; it made me miss it a lot.

Friday: Had a needle biopsy on my thyroid. Being stabbed in the neck multiple times is never a pleasant experience. But I thanked God for local anesthetic and got a badge on my way out : ) 

Keep praying—for upcoming appointments, for healing, for emotional stamina, and for the team remaining in Bundibugyo. Also, the newest member of the team: Jessica Ankney, who just arrived in Uganda!

The God Who's Got My Back

I find myself waiting again.

I saw the endocrinologist. She diagnosed me with Hashimoto's thyroiditis. But then told me that my test results were not abnormal enough to treat me and that she didn't think my current symptoms are even thyroid related. Despite my statement "I have no expectations" going into the appointment, my hopes were dashed.

I continue on though--what other choice do I really have? The doctor who has been seeing me since I was 5 years old is in my corner, validating my symptoms and fears, struggling to help me. I may see an infectious disease specialist. I will probably have a biopsy of a nodule on my thyroid--ruling out cancer. I will see another endocrinologist on Monday who comes highly, highly recommended. The wait to see her was until November. But God works in mysterious ways; a man in my church is a patient of hers and she agreed to see me since I don't want to stay in America until November.

My heart and body are aching right now--crying out for restoration. So much in this world is broken and hurting. I look at my twin nephews struggling to breathe and sustain their little 2 pound bodies. I think of my friends in Bundibugyo that would be unable to fathom our American medical care, despite its shortfalls. I pray for the team that remains in Bundibugyo, and the teammates who are on their way.

And yet, God continues to amaze me. An older African American woman that I swear was an angel sat across from me yesterday in the lab as I got yet another round of blood testing done. She looked right at me and said, "God's got your back. Ain't nobody else got your back. But he does." Amen.