Mental Obstruction

First of all, many thanks to Heidi for the inspiration for this post, which I received from her awesomely titled post, “Brain Constipation”. I can now say we no longer have an exclusively online relationship since we met a few weeks ago and I’m thinking we have a lot in common.
As an introvert who is good at bottling up feelings and putting on a happy face, I often struggle with the very scientifically-termed condition of brain constipation. I think we all have those moments when life is just too much to process all at once, so we file it away for later. The problem is when we never access those files again, and they come back at most inopportune times.
Take, for example, today. The last several weeks have been stressful for me for many reasons, a few of which I’ll list later. I kept going and pasted on a decently normal face. And who would have guessed it’d all hit me in the Louisville Airport of all places? I had seen Ginny off on her flight and had 5 hours to kill before mine took off. I camped out in Starbucks and maybe it was the magical mix of grogginess from the early morning and the caffeine I was ingesting, but I was suddenly totally bogged down. Weighed down by emotions, confusion, and fears.
Just a few of them (to rid the cerebral back-up):

• the doctor appointment I had last week that was inconclusive at best; my endocrinologist telling me she won’t be seeing me again until next August (at which point, I’ll have to return from Uganda and withdraw from my meds and do the low-iodine diet again—can’t say I’m looking forward to that) and that my thyroid is not to blame for my recent fatigue
• the total freak-out I allowed myself after leaving her office; major PTSD going on here. The last time I felt fatigued and went looking for a cause, I found cancer and ended up putting my life on hold for 8 months. Fearing that I’ll never get back to Bundibugyo, that I’ll never be well, that getting a sleep study done soon is impossible, that I’m just some kind of crazy hypochondriac.
• the loneliness I’ve felt keenly the last few weeks; the desire to have that someone to support me through these difficult moments and vice versa; someone to do life with (sure, I know God can fulfill that desire but when surrounded by couples and realizing the disheartening male-female ratio in missions, discouragement can quickly set in)
• being confronted once again by the huge needs of a broken and groaning world at the GMHC. Surrounded by young nurses and med students, I felt entirely inadequate and missing the idealism that was taken away too early, in my opinion. I felt more like the walking wounded, overwhelmed by the many suggested ways of relieving just a bit of the pain in our world, of which I’ve had just a tiny taste.
• the nagging sense that I am the worst missionary candidate on God’s green earth—a marred health history, one who struggles with depression/anxiety, loves Chic-fil-a and Dr. Pepper and can’t seem the get the truth of the gospel through her own hard heart.

The list could go on. But you don’t need the see all that is happening in the cracks and crevices of my brain—that’s a scary place for sure…ha! The point is, as I sat in that Starbucks, alone and burdened, scared and confused, God led me to Paul Miller’s book, A Praying Life. I had downloaded it months ago on my iPad for free and never got around to reading it. And in an attempt at distraction, I started reading.
What an encouragement! Like, whoa. The basic message of the first few chapters is that God wants you to come to Him as you are. Sure, I’ve heard that 100 times before. But as I sat there reading, overwhelmed by the messiness of my heart and life, it meant something new. He writes, “The criteria for coming to Jesus is weariness. Come overwhelmed with life. Come with your wandering mind. Come messy…So instead of being paralyzed by who you are, begin with who you are. That’s how the gospel works. God begins with you. It’s a little scary because you are messed up.”
What freedom and joy can be found in knowing that God wants me to come—messy, weary, and overwhelmed. I also listened to my Sonship lecture in the airport and heard about how as you grow in the faith, your view of your sin expands and you see just how sinful you are. But along with that, should come a cross that grows bigger and a God who loves more and whose grace abounds.
I have asked God to reveal my sin to me, since I often think I’m a pretty okay person. I’m not a serial killer, heck, I don’t even have a tattoo (note the sarcasm, please :) I’m a missionary. That’s gotta count for something, right? Not necesssarily. While the Holy Spirit has been faithful in answering my prayer to show me my sin, I’ve become bogged down in it, overwhelmed by it, scared. But as I read Paul Miller’s book and listened to Sonship today, I remembered that my Father’s love and grace abounds and that He invites me to come and chat with him, telling him about all my issues because I’m messed up.

Money Plea

I am not ashamed to ask for money--particularly for worthy ministries in Bundibugyo. You can read more about the immediate needs for Christ School and how to give by clicking on this link. Please prayerfully consider how God might have you help in this situation. Thanks!

Next Stop...ECHO!

So...step back into that time machine, if you please. And the next stop is ECHO in Fort Myers, FL. ECHO stands for Educational Concerns for Hunger Organization and I attended their HACC (Heath, Agriculture, Culture and Community--enough with the acronyms, right?) course at the beginning of October.

I was there for a week with about 12 other students. We were taught by Dr. Fountain, a surgeon that lived and worked in Congo for around 35 years. He established a sustainable community health system in the bush of Africa--not a small thing! At times it was overwhelming to listen to his stories and figure out how to apply them to my 2 short years in Uganda with my lack of formal medical training. But, I certainly learned a lot. And the thing that shocked me most of all? My favorite part of the day was always in the afternoons when we spent time out on the farm.

I guess God has a funny sense of humor in this area of my life. As someone who loves cities and the urban lifestyle, I find it pretty hilarious that God sends me to the remote jungle of Bundibugyo and then develops in me an uncharacteristic interest in agriculture. Weird. But good. The science of agriculture was fascinating and seeing how God gifts people with innovative minds that can make amazing technologies out of simple materials was incredible. I'm so excited to return to Uganda with some of my new found knowledge and passion for gardening (and the huge value it has in development!).

I'll leave the rest of the explanations up to photos and their captions: Enjoy a little photo tour of my time at ECHO!

Who would've guessed that wine corks can be recycled as mulch? Useful information :)

Cranberry hibiscus was one of my favorite plants--delicious leaves add a little tang to the traditional salad!

Definitely a fan of using unorthodox items as planters...

A great interpretation of the tippy-tap; all you need is a stick, a bottle with a hole in the top, soap, and some string. Tap the stick, the bottle tilts down, and you've practically got running water!

These goats were the highlight of my week. They were hilarious and quite verbal.

 Moringa--the miracle tree. Below you'll see just two reasons why it is awesome.

Yes, with one moringa seed you can treat 1 liter of water--turning it from what you see on the left to the right!

An incredibly simple but effective drip irrigation system using just a bucket and drip tape. I want one!

 There were lots of plants that reminded me of "home"--above are cassava leaves (which look a whole lot like marijuana when they are young, small sprouts, ha!)

Banana tree

Bamboo galore!

Giant elephant leaves

And papayas were everywhere!

A water filtration system made out of PVC pipe, sand, and a trashcan. Amazing!

A treadle pump that uses your leg  muscles to pump away...

 Energy efficient cook stoves (I think it said that cooking over an open fire in a hut is like the equivalent of smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day!)

Handmade tools using supplies that were available.

ECHO was great and despite all my moaning about heat and humidity while I was there (it was 90 in October), I am ready to return to the warmer climate after our first snowstorm here in Philly!

One Year Anniversary

While I was in Colorado, the one year anniversary of my arrival to Bundibugyo came and went. I’m pretty sure if you had told me on September 29, 2010 what the following year would hold, I would have been far from convinced.

I wouldn’t have believed that I would be sick most of the 6 months I spent in Uganda. I wouldn’t have believed that after exhausting the medical resources there, I would return to the U.S. for a (1 month) medical leave. I wouldn’t have believed that 2 months later, I’d be diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I wouldn’t have believed that by September 29, 2011, I’d have had two surgeries and a radioactive iodine treatment and spent a total of 6 months in the U.S.

Despite my bent towards desiring to know and attempting to control the future, I think God clearly knows best and it is a good thing I didn’t know what this past year would hold. His grace is present, even in the not-knowing.

I still have a lot of questions about the last 12 months. I certainly don’t understand a lot about it and the big “Why?” questions will probably only be answered in Glory. My life has returned to some level of stasis but the moments of grief and loneliness occasionally resurface. God is already showing me ways that he is redeeming my suffering and I have hope that those will only continue to abound as the years pass by.

I’m learning to plan my life in chunks of weeks (and maybe months) but certainly not a year at a time. Cancer does that. I don’t know if my scan a year from now will be clear or not. But, I’m finding the freedom that comes from living in the now and hoping that my receptivity to the Holy Spirit will follow from it as well.

A passage that I shared with my home church when reflecting on the past year is Lamentations 3:13, 19-22. It says:

“He shot his arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: the unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.”

“Daring to hope” has become a new phrase of meaning for me. Sometimes hoping seems crazier than despairing. But when I remember the neverending love of my Lord, He gives me the strength required to dare to hope.

Step into my time machine!

Blog posts have been popping up in my mind for the last month or so but with all of the travel I’ve been doing, they were filed away. Now that I’ve landed in one spot for a while, they can be shared!

So I’m going backwards and I think the first thing I’d like to write about is a little side-trip I took in Colorado when vacationing there with my parents in September. It’s crazy how God works these things out. I won’t go into every detail, but over a year ago as I was going to pre-field training in Colorado, someone introduced me to Light Gives Heat (www.lightgivesheat.org). I visited their website, thought it was cool that they were working in Uganda, bought some necklaces as gifts. The End.

Or not. When I got back from Uganda, I remembered LGH and after ordering something else from their website, I noticed that their return address was Grand Junction, CO—not far from where we’d be vacationing. So I took a totally random thought and emailed it; I told my story and asked if I could come visit when I was in the area.

God worked the rest of the details out and I was able to spend a day at the LGH offices in Colorado. It was a great time of encouragement, just being around people that had a connection to Uganda. It was awesome to see their behind-the-scenes operations and to see the heart that the Houslows (the founders) have for Uganda.

Here are some photos:

A peek at the “warehouse”

With Morgan

Dave and Morgan, the founders of LGH.

Above all else, my visit to LGH’s headquarters made me want to peddle their wares! This is a great organization that provides  vulnerable Ugandan women with meaningful work (designing and making jewelry/handbags) and a steady source of income (if you buy jewelry or a handbag, the money goes back to the women). So—pretty please, check out their website. And think of Christmas gifts!

Nomad again

I just wrote a post and my iPad deleted it. Boo to technology. Try, try again. Also, sorry for the lack of spacing--iPads may be smart but they must not know how to work with blogger formatting. Anyway....... It is a bit ridiculous that it has been a month since I last wrote a blog post. But I have a decent excuse, I think. For the last month, I have been traveling non-stop and I am writing this in an airport even now. This nomadic lifestyle is what I craved and wished for this summer as I rotated between my bed and the couch at my parents' house. I often wondered if I would get to travel again. Thank you Jesus for making me well enough to be a nomad again! Anyway, 4 weeks of continuous movement have made blog updates low on the priority list. But, I've done some fun and interesting things so I will give you a month in review below. I promise to add photos later, which will make this much more interesting :)

Stop 1: Elysburg, PA with my parents and sister's family to visit Knoebels, an amusement park our family has visited since my Mom was a kid. It was fun to see the park through the eyes of my little nieces and nephews and to ride some of the classics too. Highlights: the haunted house with my Dad and the Flyers with my sister.

Stop 2: 24 hours in Maryland followed by a week in Philly at the WHM sending center. Working on Christ School sponsorships and updating some highly confusing and out of date records (Uganda tends to do that to record-keeping). Also helping with the recruting department and enjoying community. Weekend highlights: attending Jesus, Bombs, and Ice Cream (google it) with co-workers and cooking Ugandan food with a co-worker and friend. Both yummy events!

Stop 3 and 4: 24 hours in MD for a doctor appointment, a weekend in Philly for the WHM picnic and church, another 24 hours in MD, and then to Virginia to visit my future teammate Pamrla Stephens! 3 days with her included lots of chatting, a visit to the zoo (and dancing with a flirtatious monkey), and a fantasti. Avett Brothers concert. Answering her questions with my little bit of Bundi knowledge was a boost and being with people that are going or have been there is always an encouragement. For pictures from my visit with Pamela, visit her blog here. Pamela is just one more reason I am excited to get back to Uganda--she arrived there today!

Stop 5: A full 48 hours in Maryland (!) followed by a long-awaited vacation to Colorado with my parents. It was gorgeous as I think that state always is but the aspen trees were all bright yellow and breathtaking. Personal highlights: having the physical strength to take an all day hike and seeing amazing views and fulfilling my dream of going horesback-riding in the Rockies!

at Pike's Peak

beautiful aspen trees were changing color!

with our wonderful hosts, Al and Marty!

Stop 6: Three days in MD to pack up and move to Philadelphia for the next three months to work out of the office until I return to Uganda in January. I have spent the last week here in Philly and have enjoyed settling in, getting remarkably lost downtown, and then triumphing the next night in my attempt to attend a small group downtown!

Stop 7: I am now in the airport at Charlotte, NC waiting for my connecting flight to Fort Myers, FL. That will take me to ECHO (www.echonet.org) where I will attend a week long class about integrating agriculture into community health in 3rd world settings. I'm hopped up on sudafed (fighting a cold) and coffee and ready to go! 2 months ago, I didn't know if I would be able to travel again, let alone move back to Bundibugyo. But God is proving himself faithful--he didn't call me to Uganda and missions work just to say "Never mind." And even if he had, I believe he is still loving and good. As I look forward to eventually returning to Bundi and it seems more real as I feel better each day, I pray that God will use my experience for good--to change my heart, to give me new compassion for those that are hurting, and to understand the desperation that comes with living in a broken world. I hope ECHO is just one practical way for me to implement the myriad of things I've learned here in the U.S.

One of Those Days

Today has just been one of those days. It actually started yesterday when I had trouble falling asleep (which I’ve had way too much experience with the last few months). I woke up this morning, tired, groggy, joints achy. My hair was misbehaving and everything I tried on looked wrong. My brain fog kicked in and it took me over an hour just to get ready. I totally forgot to pack a lunch. I was running late and as I gathered my stuff up, I noticed my bright orange cell phone holder, which is conveniently attached to my keys.

Apparently noticing it was not enough to actually make it get into my bag. I ran downstairs, firmly shut the locked door, and hoped that I had remembered everything I’d need for the day. (Yeah, right) Got to my car—no keys in the bag. What?! This must just be “purse panic” and they’re buried somewhere in my bag. Nope. I emptied my bag out onto my car hood twice. No keys. No cell phone. Locked door. Quite a conundrum, right?

I remembered that my Dad had put a magnetic key case under my front bumper somewhere when I first bought my car at age 16. It’s been 6 years and I never needed it. Now can I remember where it is? If anyone was watching from their home window, I’m sure it was quite a sight. I’m in a skirt, crawling around my car, looking underneath, praying that little black box will show up and save me.

I don’t see it and I give up for a few minutes, sitting on the curb, looking equally ridiculous. Should I knock on a neighbor’s door and ask for help? Should I just start walking to the office? Should I just hang out on the Barnette’s back porch all day? Thankfully my “can do”-Africa personality came through (and the Holy Spirit helped too) as I wracked my brain for where that key case was supposed to be. I decided to get my hands dirty and start feeling around underneath the front bumper of the car.

Lo and behold, I felt a little plastic box and after yanking on it—found it to be the box of my salvation (just kidding; nothing heretical here)! Again, if anyone was watching or listening, I’m sure they were entertained as I did a little dance in the street and yelled “Thank you Jesus!”.

A year ago, I’m pretty sure this morning would have set a frazzled and annoyed tone for the whole day. But perspective changes, thank goodness. Instead of panicking, I found myself praising Jesus for being with me in a sticky little predicament. I wasn’t particularly bothered by the whole thing because in the full realm, it’s not even a blip on the radar. Much worse things have happened. And I also found myself praising Jesus because the whole situation proved that I had begun living again. a) I had somewhere I need to be b) I had the energy to get out of bed and get there and c) stress is proof that you’re alive. If you have a completely stress-free life with no sticky situations, you are either not living, you’re in denial, or you have the most boring life ever.

So as strange as it may sound, today I am thankful for getting locked out of my car. For seeing a change in my perspective and for seeing life again. And of course—as I arrived triumphant at the sending center, the elevator refused to work  :)