Since making the decision to return to the U.S., I’ve had a lot of mixed feelings. Fear, guilt, failure, joy at seeing my family, sadness at seeing Ugandan parts of my speech leaving me, relief as I rested, torn between two worlds, and on the list goes.
As I realized my stay here would last longer than 4 weeks, I struggled more. Many times over the past month, I’ve pictured myself in a dark wind tunnel with God’s giant hand firmly but gently pushing my head back as I struggle, fight, and flail my arms in a useless fight against all of it. It being my physical health, my circumstances, my geographical location, my confusion and anger at God, my worn-down emotions, and grief over losing the carefully laid plans I had made—the plans God had helped me make but He has changed.
I’m still working through all of this, along with the new information that I need to have surgery to rule thyroid cancer in or out. I still have those wind tunnel moments when I struggle, fight, and try to understand. But I’m finding more moments of peace too. I’m sure there is a myriad of reasons behind this slow development to surrender, which I hope will move to praise.
I’m sure I won’t understand a lot of this until I’m with my Father in glory. But, in the meantime, I allow myself to grieve but I’m also finding joy in simple treats here. A few of the treats God has brought me in the last week or so:
- Waking to the rain pattering against my windowpane
- Whipping up fresh cream of asparagus soup on a whim with my mom
- Going to the (very cold and windy) beach; hearing the reassuring rhythm of waves breaking on the shore
- Buying and planting all the flowers in my parents’ flower garden; getting sweaty and seeing dirt on my toes reminded me of Uganda and watching something grow and flourish is therapeutic
- Discovering my love of banjo music as I listened to the Avett Brothers and Mumford & Sons while reading a good book in the sunshine
- Making an Indian feast for my parents—complete with homemade naan
- Eating smores by the fire pit in our backyard
- Being present for Easter, my nephew’s 2nd birthday, and Mother’s Day
- Wearing jeans everyday and not sweating : )
