Cancer forces you to live in the present. Each day becomes a struggle for survival and not in a “Let’s all focus on our inner-strength, wear pretty ribbons, and talk about warm, fuzzy objects bringing us comfort” kind of way. Nope. Unfortunately, it’s a lot uglier than that. I didn’t know how horrific cancer was until it found its way into my body. And the “cure” is what often makes you feel worse than the cancer itself. At least, that is how it went in my case. (I’m continuing to learn that everyone’s story is so very unique—I’m just sharing mine :)
My muddled brain is trying really hard to get to the point. I guess the point is that I’m continuing to figure out what “cancer survival” is going to look like for me. Some days I just have to live entirely in the moment and focus on making my body move. Other days I dwell in the past and grieve the things that are forever lost (like what I pictured my 2 years in Uganda being). And other days I find hope in the fact that God is writing a truly amazing and beautiful story that has my name as the title—the chapter that is currently being written is full of craters and valleys and confusion. But a few chapters from now, there is the potential for beautiful flowers to spring up out of the craters. And I find hope in the future. Whatever it may hold.
Most days involve a little bit of all of the above. And lately my spirit has been a mess of confusion and mixed emotion. But I keep going to Psalm 13. Read it:
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him,"
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.
Of course, my soul resonates with the “How long” phrasing. But the last few verses were what really got to me a few days ago. David uses the past tense when writing about trusting in God’s love and how God has been gracious to Him. And he uses the future tense when writing about praising God. That’s how I feel these days. I have trusted in God’s love and grace. I continue to trust in them—even when I ask “How long?”. I cannot fathom being without God’s steadfast love. But in this moment when I’m asking “How long?”, it’s okay to not feel like bursting into a praise song. I know the day will come when I feel like shouting His praise from the rooftops. But right now, I’m full of the “how long”-questions and not so full of praise and adoration. Thank goodness the rocks will cry out if necessary :)
David was kind of an exemplary guy in the Bible. Fully human—that’s for sure. I mean, really, with Bathsheba? But, he also did some great stuff for God’s kingdom and I’m pretty sure we’ll find him in heaven. So I think for now I’ll follow his example and be okay with asking “How long?” and know that praise will come eventually.
If my hypothyroid-brain-addled post was not quite enough for you—read this. It’ll be a little more eloquent and it also discusses Psalm 13 and suffering. Thanks Ed Welch!
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