Written on 10/12

I wrote the post below a few days ago. We were without electricity for 3 days. It seems a little silly to post this now since I'm feeling a lot different today. But I think it will give you an idea of how to pray for me! Here it is:

Knowing how to update this blog has been a challenge for me the past few days. First, there is the absence of power. We’ve been without power for __ hours now and no power means no Internet! Thank you Jesus for solar lights and propane fridges/stoves though.

I think the real reason I’ve been struggling to write a post though is my willingness to be honest and vulnerable. I would love to write about how much I am enjoying my new home, how I’m clearly seeing where I’ll fit in on the team, how I’m learning Lubwisi and loving the people of Bundibugyo, how my health is great. My heart desires self-sufficiency and boasting in my own strength. But God is humbling me and I believe he is calling me to be honest, vulnerable, and weak.

The truth is—I’m struggling. I thought I’d have a honeymoon period here in Uganda when I’d be drawn into all the new adventures and see all the positive aspects of the culture. I expected to hit that cross-cultural brick wall after I’d been here 6 months or so. My expectations were not correct. Maybe I used up all my cultural honeymoon experiences on past short-term trips. I’m not sure. But as I sit here writing, doubt is coming all too easily.

I doubt my decision to leave my family. I doubt that I am where God wants me. I doubt that God will open my heart to love the Ugandan people. I doubt that I’ll ever learn Lubwisi and be able to communicate. I doubt that this place will ever feel like home. I doubt that I will find any sense of purpose or use for my skills (do I even have any skills?) here. I doubt that God is loving and sovereign.

Doubts come easily and trusting God is hard. But I know that God is going to use this time when there seems to be no light to illuminate his love and character to me. And while it may be easy to doubt in the darkness a decision made in the light, I choose to believe that God will bring light again.

I’ve been reading “Calm My Anxious Heart” by Linda Dillow this week. It’s a book I’ve started multiple times in the U.S. and never finished. I’ve devoured it this week though as I have been struggling to cast my anxieties before my Father. In the book there is a “prescription for contentment” from a woman that served in the African bush for 52 years as a missionary. It has been a great encouragement to me and I think it applies to everyone:

• Never allow yourself to complain about anything—not even the weather.
• Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else.
• Never compare your lot with another’s.
• Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise.
• Never dwell on tomorrow—remember that tomorrow is God’s, not ours.

It is impossible for me to keep to this prescription on my own. But thank you Jesus for your grace to carry me through and teach me contentment. It’s a good thing the closest international airport is 8 hours away; I think I’d soon hop on the first plane to America. But this afternoon I choose to believe that God has me here for a reason and that His refining fire is working in my life as well as the lives around me.